I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
