Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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