ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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