If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
