I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's blow job season.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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