Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
