Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
