new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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