in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
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I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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Life without a bra equals bliss.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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