I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
