i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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