why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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