So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
