Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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