The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
