Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
