Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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