forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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