It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
