she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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