i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
