People in love make me want to vomit
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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