I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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