Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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