So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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