Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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