I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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