Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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