I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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