Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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