So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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