So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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