things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
