I like my sex mixed with concussions.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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