I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
