what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
