i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another