Texts From Last Night

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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.

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  (512): I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone. http://tfl.nu/t7gq
  Replies (19) Good night (1085) Bad night (3048) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...

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  (304): apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training... http://tfl.nu/a5eu
  Replies (36) Good night (4054) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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  (413): Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot. http://tfl.nu/sr3w
  Replies (19) Good night (9302) Bad night (1168)
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  (818): View more from California

  I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.

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  (818): I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO. http://tfl.nu/pbw8
  Replies (15) Good night (4031) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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  (904): I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers. http://tfl.nu/cp6l
  Replies (31) Good night (5641) Bad night (1737) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys

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  (570): I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys http://tfl.nu/u1dh
  Replies (21) Good night (1197) Bad night (3531) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.

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  (650): I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar. http://tfl.nu/ituj
  Replies (12) Good night (4624) Bad night (750) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

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  (541): Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night? http://tfl.nu/53hk
  Replies (7) Good night (3722) Bad night (804) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

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  (586): If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption http://tfl.nu/zznp
  Replies (13) Good night (1275) Bad night (1886) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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  (916): Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On. http://tfl.nu/kp7b
  Replies (5) Good night (3510) Bad night (559) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy

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  (443): We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy http://tfl.nu/feuw
  Replies (14) Good night (1870) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?

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  (402): Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out? http://tfl.nu/j98q
  Replies (14) Good night (443) Bad night (2795) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.

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  (530): He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET. http://tfl.nu/u2s2
  Replies (1) Good night (1313) Bad night (362) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.

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  (202): We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy. http://tfl.nu/mfv7
  Replies (9) Good night (1371) Bad night (497)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.

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  (850): I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet. http://tfl.nu/wt7c
  Replies (3) Good night (520) Bad night (206)

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