Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
