I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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