I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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