living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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