Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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