if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
