I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
is it fun? or sober?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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