We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
