This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
