just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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