The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
