Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
