it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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