first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
dude. I can hear the air.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
