Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So vagazzling was a success
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
