Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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