i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
