Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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