I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
