maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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