My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
