He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
